Faith and Fear

One would think after all I've been through, I would have faith at least the size of a mustard seed. And yet, as I wash baby boy's bedding today in prep for his arrival (any day) I find myself in tears. 

I question the promises God has spoken to me. I question His words.
What if I set up this nursery in faith, believing Him and then the baby doesn't come to me? There are SO many variables. So many obstacles. So many what ifs.
My emotions are still fragile and healing from past disappointments.
And yet, I KNOW, the word He has spoken to me. I know He has given me this baby even before it is in my hands.
And yet, here I am, wavering, whining, complaining, scared.out.of.my.mind.
What if I believe Him and then I'm wrong? What if I 'think' I've heard Him, but I'm wrong? Then I'm left picking up pieces. Undoing a nursery. Left to heal and mend... AGAIN.
I sit here wondering if I can take that chance with my heart and emotions. Can I finish washing this bedding? I started out with faith and somehow now I feel like I should just leave it in the washer and see how this plays out...

God, I believe. Help my unbelief.